summary
intro
graphs
detailed results
strengths & limitations
advice
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Emotional Competencies
Recognize emotions for what they are. We have been taught that emotions are reactions, often uncontrolled, to situations or people around us. This isn't the case. Your emotions are a signal; they are messages that have the potential to offer you important information if you're willing to take the time to reflect on what you're feeling. So when you get upset with your partner because he/she doesn't wash the dishes, or with your colleagues when the printer is always missing paper when you're using it, stop and ask yourself: Is my anger really related to the dishes/paper, or something more? Maybe you're upset because deep down you feel disrespected, or feel that people take advantage of you. Maybe you're using the dishes/paper situation to vent your anger about a more serious, unresolved issue. The point is, don't let negative emotions simmer (or boil over) unchallenged. Milk them for information.
Emotions and logic are not enemies. Many people believe that emotions have no place in the decision-making process, but the truth is, your emotions (or intuition, gut instinct, etc.) and your logic can provide useful information when making a decision. The bottom line is that emotions and logic are two sides of the same coin: Emotions are a message, while logic is the means in which we interpret that message.
Don't brush aside your gut instinct or intuition. Gut instinct is that voice in your head, that warning bell, that's trying to tell you that something isn't right. Some refer to it as a sixth sense. Whatever the label, it can offer us valuable information if we take a moment to listen. Those who ignore this inner voice can often end up regretting it. This doesn't mean that logic has no benefits. The perfect balance, in fact, would be to think a situation through, and then going with what feels right.
The good and the bad. Both good and bad feelings facilitate the thinking process by allowing us to view things from different perspectives. Did you ever notice how, when thinking pessimistically about a problem, you come up with solutions that are in line with that thinking, and when you think positively, the perspective and solutions change? Our feelings, good and bad, offer us different perspectives on the world. While one perspective may be more beneficial than the other, both angles offer us valuable information about the world around us, and about ourselves.
Take small steps if you're not used to expressing emotions. Start with those that are the least intimidating, like gratitude, awe, or boredom. For example, try offering someone you are comfortable with a genuine compliment, and then take it one step further to an expression of appreciation. When you need to communicate a negative feeling, start by writing down how you feel before saying it. Like learning any new skill, emotional expression will get easier with time and practice.
Know the consequences of suppression. Like a soda can that has been shaken one too many times, a buildup of negative emotions can either result in one messy explosion or a whole lot of fussing and fuming on the inside. This isn't a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils - both are unhealthy for you. Bottled-up emotions can result in physical ailments, not to mention the damage it causes to your peace of mind and your relationships. A build-up of frustration will seep out whether you like it or not, often through passive aggression, snappiness, lack of tolerance or bitter remarks. Find a healthy emotional outlet that works for you - writing your feelings out, talking to someone, etc.
Work on developing healthy self-control. When you act on impulse, it is the lower part of your brain - your so-called "reptilian brain" - that is taking charge. Thankfully, we all have a cerebral cortex, which means we have the capacity to reason. Before acting impulsively, command your cerebral cortex to evaluate the situation you find yourself in. Then you can determine if you should modify your reaction to the situation, or for that matter, take any action at all.
Learn to relax.
Relaxation is physiologically incompatible with anger, anxiety, and other negative emotions. When you relax, there's a good chance the emotion will subside. Here are some ways you can calm yourself down when you're feeling upset:
- Take deep breaths.
- Repeat calming words to yourself. Have certain comforting phrases ready when negative emotions strike. Instead of thinking, for example, "I hate this person", focus on positive things like, "I am very angry with him/her, but I can deal with this". Or use the word "tranquility". It's not only beautiful to hear as it rolls of your tongue, it's also a very calming word.
- Use imagery. Visualize something that is calming to you. A warm beach, a sunset, your pet, a baby, etc.
- Do a task that you find soothing. Mow the lawn, read a book, do a crossword puzzle, work out at the gym, etc.
- Practice stretching, yoga, tai chi, or any other physical activity you find calming. Doing it on a regular basis may help you get more "in tune" with yourself and help calm both your mind and body.
- Go outside and get some fresh air. Nature has amazing healing abilities that you should take advantage of.
Let your emotions out. A study on life satisfaction and negative life events revealed that people who wrote out what was bothering them or who talked things out with someone showed an improvement in mental health and life satisfaction. So when something is bothering you, don't keep it locked up inside. A problem can often feel less intense when we can share that burden, so to speak. Release all your negative feelings and thoughts in a journal. Talk to a trusted friend, a spiritual leader, a therapist, or join an online community that focuses on helping others get through personal and emotional difficulties. There is always help out there.
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Drive
What really matters to you? We often adopt values, beliefs or opinions without really considering whether they reflect who we truly are or what we truly want. For example, are you determined to get married because you really want to, or because it's expected of you? Do you really want to become a doctor, or is it what your parents want? Do you have preconceived notions about other cultures simply because it's what you have been taught? Stop going through life on "automatic pilot." Challenge conventional opinions and rules. Most importantly, take some time to actually sit down, determine and analyze your values and beliefs. Throughout the day, periodically ask yourself, "What do I really want?" "Why does this matter to me?" "What do I really think/feel about this?" Pull your attention away from the outside world and start focusing on your inner world - develop your self-awareness!
Know your strengths and weaknesses. Make an actual list of what you consider to be your strengths and limitations. Then come with ideas on how you can improve on your weaknesses: Can you take classes? Ask a friend, family member or colleague to train you? Find reading material to help you? Awareness of your strengths and limitations will help you pinpoint problem areas you need to work on and reinforce your strengths at the same time. Sometimes the vague thoughts we carry about ourselves can become crystallized when we actually see them in print.
Find a mentor or coach. Find someone who inspires you, or surround yourself with ambitious people. Learn what you can from their experience. Ask questions and seek their advice on goal-setting, perseverance, and motivation, and put your new knowledge to use. While you shouldn't depend entirely on others to motivate and push you to greatness, knowing that you have people behind you if needed can be a great source of inspiration.
Set SMART goals. Here are some guidelines, using weight loss as an example:
Here are some guidelines for setting SMART goals, using weight loss as an example:
- Specific: Rather than simply stating "I want to lose weight," have a number in mind, like "lose 40 lbs".
- Measurable: Being able to track your progress at set intervals (every month, for example) is important - you'll see and appreciate the efforts of your labors. A monthly weight loss check can be number of inches lost, or amount of steps you can now climb.
- Attainable: This is the key to success. Goals that are too easy won't motivate you; goals that are too hard will discourage you and are more likely to be left unfinished. Set a goal that is high, but reasonable. So in terms of a weight loss goal, don't aim for "30 lbs in 30 days."
- Relevant: Why are you setting this particular goal? Why do you want to achieve it? You'll be much more motivated to achieve a goal that means something to you. For example: "I want to lose weight so that I feel better about myself...so that I can keep up with my children/grandchildren...so that I can run in a charity marathon...etc.
- Time-bound: Set a flexible, realistic deadline. This will keep your eyes on the prize. Setting a goal to be achieved at some vague time in the future is not going to stick. That being said, be willing to tweak your deadline if unexpected situations arise (for e.g. you're on track with your weight loss goal, but injure yourself and need to take a break.). A realistic weight loss deadline could be 40 lbs in one year.
Know what motivates you What drives you? This is essential information to know because it's the key to success. Do you thrive on pressure or do you need recognition from others to keep you going? Is it the feeling of accomplishment? Try to incorporate strong motivators into your goal plan as much as possible - they can really get you through those tough times when you're feeling frustrated or your plan just doesn't seem to be panning out as well as you expected. Keep in mind however, that the best source of motivation often comes from within (the sense of pride after a job well done, the feeling that you're truly making an impact on the world, etc.). External motivators (praise, money) are good for some people, but may not be able to keep you focused and determined all the way through.
Give yourself a taste of success. For example, if you would like to begin a career helping people in some way, join a charity or volunteer group to gain some practical experience. If you want to write a novel, begin with a short story. Once you experience a "slice" of your goal, you will be more driven to pursue it outright. This will not only boost your motivation, it will also breathe life into your dream and help you realize that it really is possible.
Learn from - but let go of - mistakes. Absolutely everyone, no matter how perfect they may seem, messes up from time to time. This is how we learn. Like the process of learning to walk as children, if we don't stumble we won't learn how to get up and keep our balance. Keep this in mind as you venture out into the world. Be gentle with yourself.
Enjoy the process. People who feel they have successful lives uniformly emphasize the fact that success is a process. It would appear that when it comes to the business of living, the process is everything. Though having goals is instrumental, there are really no final end points. Things continue to evolve. Goals change and we change. If you can't take part in the process or live only for some moment in the distant future, you are cheating yourself and those who love you. So remember, the process is everything. Enjoy it and appreciate it while it's happening.
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Stress Management
View setbacks as short-lived. Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed and find yourself plunging into negativity, remind yourself that things can get better. If you're having a hard time in a class you're taking, for example, or you're having relationship problems, look at it as temporary. Whatever the situation, you can take proactive steps to deal with the underlying issues. Even if you are faced with something that you will have to deal with for a lifetime (like a health problem or family issue), there is always some way to improve the situation. You will grow stronger, heal, or find better ways to cope.
Keep negative situations in perspective. Don't let the emotions of the moment distort your view or sense of self. Getting fired from a job may cause you to question your own competence and self-worth, but you can balance these feelings by reminding yourself of past career successes or other accomplishments. Consider what you can do to ensure that you're not fired from the next job. Remember that your emotions are a temporary state of being, regardless of how permanent or overwhelming they may seem.
Refuse to be a victim. Dr. Martin E.P. Seligman, renowned author and noted expert on positive psychology, states that the feeling of being a victim leads to learned helplessness. If you blame your problems on other people or circumstances, you will avoid taking personal responsibility for your life. While it may be true that there are things beyond your control, the majority of what happens in your life is up to YOU. Life may throw you many curveballs, but it is you who decides how you'll react to them.
Keep your mind focused on possibilities. Think of the best-case scenario or outcome possible and keep your mind focused on that as a goal. When it comes to problems, focus on those aspects of a problem or situation that are inside your control or that you can change for the better. Avoid dwelling on matters over which you have no control and cannot change.
Be alert for signs of rumination. Reflecting on a problem or situation is necessary, even if it's an uncomfortable one. You need to be able to make sense of what went wrong, why, and how to deal with it. If, however, you find yourself continually and repeatedly thinking about these matters to the point where you are distracted from everyday life and losing sleep, you are engaging in rumination.
Keep in mind that isolation can intensify rumination. Being alone with your thoughts is fine...unless you're a ruminator. Rumination is commonly exacerbated by loneliness and solitude. Even though the desire to be alone may be strong, you should actively seek the company of people you enjoy being around. Sharing your feelings with someone you trust is also recommended.
Pick the right coping skill. Start by evaluating the stressor: Is it something that you can control? If the problem is something that you can change, then problem-based coping methods can be useful (e.g. seeking information to help you deal with the issue, negotiating with others, like your boss or spouse, to help reduce the stressor, etc.). If the problems that you are stressed out about seems out of your hands, however, it may be better to learn to live with it by using emotion-based coping methods, such as seeking social support, changing the way you think about the problem, distracting yourself, or finding ways to express your emotions. Remember, healthy coping skills will only be of use to you if you practice them on a regular basis.
Let go of the small stuff. Frequently, when faced with problems or conflicts, we become sidetracked or preoccupied with minor details or issues that are not relevant to resolving the situation at hand. Personality clashes, personal grudges and ego needs are just a few examples of things that may distract us from seeing the "big picture." By being emotionally selective, we can focus on what is truly important and let go of those things that cause us unnecessary stress and conflict.
Pick your battles wisely. Don't allow yourself to get upset over minor annoyances or situations that you can't change - it's a waste of time and energy, and likely won't accomplish anything. If you're not sure whether to bring up a specific grievance or not, ask yourself the following questions: Will this issue matter to me next week, next month, or next year? Is this situation negatively impacting my happiness or my daily functioning to a significant degree? If you answer yes to both questions, then bring up the problem with the relevant party. If not, accept that situation and let it go by reminding yourself that in the grand scheme of things, this issue really doesn't matter.
Remember, change is the only constant. A dislike for change is understandable, but it is also a fact of life and must be treated as such. Rather than perceive change as disruptive and intrusive, consider a more positive angle. While a change in plans can be annoying, it can also be exciting and lead to unexpected benefits. While a new coworker can be a disruption, it can also be a chance to make a new friend. Not all change is positive, but a positive outlook will make all the difference. In a situation to which you are unable to adapt successfully, try to incorporate an element of your old situation. This will help you feel more comfortable in the unfamiliar situation.
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Self-Regard
Be cautious about the language you use to describe yourself. Don't exaggerate. If you made a mistake for example, you are not stupid or dumb, even if you regard the mistake as a dumb one. Instead, acknowledge that you are sometimes careless and need to work on that. When you regularly use self-deprecating language, you reinforce the belief that you are incompetent or inferior...and may influence other people's views of you as well.
Don't compare yourself to others. You may look at someone and think they possess some quality or advantage that you don't, but the fact is they may be looking at you and thinking the very same thing. Besides, someone who is seemingly happy or successful may be going through difficulties that you don't know about. Judge yourself by your own standards, because every person is unique.
Practice positive and empowering affirmations. This isn't just a philosophy - it has a scientific basis. The success of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, for example, lies in the reprogramming of the brain. Write 5 or 10 self-affirming statements ("I am healthy, wealthy, and wise") and repeat them to yourself every day for several times a day. Don't just say them 3 times and then spend the rest of the day criticizing yourself or complaining. Say your affirmations as often as you can, whether you're on the way to work, cleaning the house, or shopping. When a negative thought pops into your mind, replace it with something positive - and say that positive statement three times. Continue to practice your affirmations for as long as it takes for them to sink in. It will feel silly at first, even fake and untrue, but that's from years of brain programming in the opposite, negative direction. It can be done, if you make it a habit.
Boosting your confidence is a proactive process. If you're lacking a little faith in yourself and in your abilities, try doing things that build your confidence and nerve. If you'd like to teach a class for example, take some courses yourself to brush up. Offer to teach a few of your friends at home to start out. With experience, you will become more comfortable and assured of your abilities. Remember that each small success we have helps build confidence en route to our ultimate goal.
Use visualization techniques. If you're anxious or doubtful about your ability to do something (ask your boss for a raise, or compete in a marathon), practice visualizing that moment in detail. Imagine yourself pulling it off smoothly. It will reduce your fear and increase your confidence.
Shun perfectionism. There is a high correlation between perfectionism and low self-esteem. The more you strive to be perfect, the more frustrated you become when you realize it's impossible. Be aware of any perfectionistic tendencies you have and keep them in check. Remember, mistakes and failures are stepping stones, not stop signs. They offer experience and learning opportunities.
Make a list of your accomplishments. Include anything that made you feel good about yourself, without thinking about whether it is technically an accomplishment or not. (Your ability to relate to children, your chess talent, the amazing cookies you make, the great short story you wrote, etc.). This list is solid proof that you have the ability to make things happen and to achieve something. Refer to it whenever you doubt yourself.
Assert yourself when necessary. Being assertive requires a certain degree of comfort with vulnerability, and that's probably one of the main reasons why people hesitate to speak up for themselves. Assertiveness means risking dissention, rejection, and embarrassment. It can spark conflict if the message doesn't go over well. If you find it difficult to speak up or say "no" to others, remember this: Not speaking up communicates to others the erroneous belief that your needs don't matter; that you are not worthy enough to ask for what we want. Assertiveness training can be extremely beneficial, along with the realization that being assertive does not imply or require aggression.
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